Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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