I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
