We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
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