don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
