Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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