Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
my poor anus
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
