made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
