My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
