were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
