The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
