oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Randomize
