the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
