I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
