I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
