Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
