maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
