I'm eating all of the evidence.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Mom said you looked used
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Randomize
