dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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