found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize