I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
