jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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