all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
