im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
