I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
