i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
You took a bar mat shot.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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