3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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