wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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