i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
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