I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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