if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
