Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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