Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
