i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
