if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
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