The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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