this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize