Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
