Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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