I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
You may now shotgun with the bride
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
