i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Randomize
