I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
