im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
my shit smells like andre
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Randomize
