fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
she looked like the before picture.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
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