I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
