oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
