I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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