I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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