Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I intend to get homeless drunk
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Randomize
