we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize
