Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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