I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
