Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize