I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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