i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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