ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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