Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
