My friends, they love my intelligence
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Randomize
