I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
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