I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
