wanna go halves on a baby?
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Randomize