I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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